


It wasn't supposed to be like this

by bluebatwings



Series: unremembering [8]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Taako POV, background starblaster family - Freeform, lunar interlude v, remembering, unremembering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 02:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13649802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebatwings/pseuds/bluebatwings
Summary: Remembering.





	It wasn't supposed to be like this

**Author's Note:**

> Taako's _The Impossibility of Hearts_.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t ever supposed to _be_ like this, a grave error has been made, somewhere along the line something has gone terribly awry. Yes, it was always going to hurt-- with the way they live, the kind of fucked up shit they get themselves into, Taako made his peace with that a long time ago. Someone will die, it will suck beyond belief, but that’s life, right? You move the fuck on. Taako had always thought that, with any luck, he’ll be the one to bite it first. No big loss, easy to shrug off. He’s got it coming, anyway. But he’s chill with the reality that they’ll all probably die sooner rather than later, they can’t catch breaks forever, and Taako’s kind of hoping that the afterlife will be dope as hell. Bring it on. 

What he is unprepared for, though, is what he is faced with now. (He should really just start owning the cliche _expect the unexpected_ , because this is getting ridiculous, honestly.) He should never have gotten so attached, he fucked that up hard, let it slip right by him. Somehow, Taako broke his own rules and let these two dumbasses become his best friends. Somehow, he let Magnus become _more_. And yet, faced with the idea of either of them dying, Taako can live. He could move on. But standing before Magnus, here and now, literally face-to-face with the too-real possibility that Magnus is about to walk forward and _forget_ \-- forget Taako, forget everything-- Taako is unprepared. And all he can think is, _it wasn’t supposed to be like this._

He isn’t supposed to care this much. He isn’t supposed to be horrified by the thought that he might be about to lose one of the only people who actually likes him for _him._ (Taako knows he’s fabulous and lovable, of course-- it’s _likable_ and _real_ that he’s never been able to nail down.) He doesn’t quite know what he did to snag genuine affection from Magnus in the first place; what guarantee is there that he could do it again? At least if Magnus were to die it would be as a person who genuinely wanted Taako.

And that thought is beyond selfish. Taako _is_ selfish, he’ll admit to that any time, place, whatever, and he’s chill with that, but this is _beyond._ The fact that, if Taako has to live in a world where Magnus isn’t loving him, he’d prefer it to be because Magnus is dead rather than having just… stopped loving him. It’s horrible, and so is he, and he knows that. And he knows something else about himself too: he’s a fucking coward. He’s afraid to get hurt, in the physical sense, and inside, too. He’s accepted his flaws. But he doesn’t expect other people to accept them.

And that’s why this _wasn’t supposed to happen._ Acquaintances, business partners, that was as far as it should have gone. Fuck Magnus and his big heart, his accepting attitude, his loyalty, his easy friendship. Taako doesn’t deserve it, any of it, doesn’t _want_ to want it. It’s going away now, anyway-- Magnus is going to forget, and when that happens, the fluke that made Magnus look softly at Taako for more than just his beauty, that made him want to save Taako out of more than just a sense of duty, that made him kiss Taako that night in the starlight at the Fire Festival-- all of it would be gone, never to be gained back. Just a _fluke_ , a one time deal; it was a lucky break for Taako, to have charmed Magnus beyond _wanting_ him and into _liking_ him. He’s sure it won’t happen again. Instead of having the memory of this Magnus-- the one who fucking told Taako that he loves him-- Taako is going to have to live with a Magnus who is friendly, because he’s _Magnus_ , of course he is. But that’s it.

It nags at his mind, obsessively, _he’ll forget, he’ll forget this, forget everything, forget_ me. He doesn’t even know why he thinks that; there’s a very real possibility that Magnus will _not_ forget-- it is, in fact, more likely than not-- but his mind has seized on this idea and won’t let it go. He keeps saying it out loud, can hear himself but can’t make himself stop, _you’ll forget, you won’t remember, what if he forgets?_

The thought makes him cold, makes his throat lock up like he can’t breathe. A voice in his mind that he barely registers asks, _what have we forgotten?_ but that thought is gone almost immediately, like it never even existed. Instead, it’s replaced by his mantra, the one he’s starting to hate: _it wasn’t ever supposed to be like this._

He might be panicking now, he’s not sure, but his heart is doing double-time and Magnus is getting ready to leave. Taako opens his mouth, coughs once, clears his throat. He directs his gaze to somewhere over Magnus’s wooden shoulder. He feels like an asshole for being more afraid for himself than for Magnus but _fuck_ , it wasn’t supposed to be this way, can anyone really blame him?

Magnus looks nervous. Maybe Taako shouldn’t have said all those things about forgetting, loudly and repeatedly. Taako knows what Magnus has lost, knows about all the things that Magnus has only in his memory and-- (god, Taako is selfish, he knows that, but this is beyond). He thinks about his own damn self as Magnus might be about to lose everything. And he can’t even look Magnus in the eye.

“I have to do this.” Magnus’s voice is gentle, and Taako hates it, because it’s for _him_ , because Magnus is fucking trying to reassure _him._ Magnus’s eyes are soft, mannequin mouth turned down at the corners as much as it can be. Taako holds his breath. He shrugs his shoulders and looks away like it doesn’t matter. (He knows he’s an asshole.)

“Yeah, man, of course. Obviously.”

“I mean, what other choice do I have? Like, maybe we’d find something eventually, but-- I can’t pass this chance up.”

“Dude, I get it, really. You gotta do what you gotta do, don’t even think about it, Magnus rushes in--”

“Taako.” Taako clamps his jaw shut, bites his tongue. Magnus says his name again and it sounds so goddamn _earnest_ Taako can’t stand it. He’s pissed that Magnus would think of him at a time like this, even though it’s also exactly what he wants. He grips tightly onto his umbrella with both hands, knuckles popping. Merle is standing nearby, close enough to still be a part of the action, but it’s clear the moment belongs to Taako and Magnus. Taako wastes it by not knowing what to say. But when Magnus opens his mouth to speak, Taako can’t hear it and interrupts, nauseous and scared, blurting,

“Try not to forget me. And like. Everything else important in your life. But try not to forget me. Okay. Taako out.” And before Magnus can respond Taako turns on his heel and leaves. He walks out the door to wait it out somewhere else because he doesn’t want to look at Magnus anymore, doesn’t want to watch that look flicker out of his eyes, the one he has when he looks at Taako, the one that Taako could never quite believe was love. He throws his umbrella to the ground, wincing when it hits and dropping to the floor next to it to grab it again and clutch at it tightly. Breath coming in halting lungfuls, he sits and waits.

~

Magnus remembers. Taako knows straight off because the moment he sees him, Magnus, true to form, rushes the fuck in and grabs Taako, pulling him in by the shoulders and kissing him, hard. He bites at Taako’s mouth and then kisses gently and pulls back to say, “Didn’t forget.”

“Fucker,” Taako says, unbelievable relief flooding through him. He draws Magnus in and kisses him again, mostly to stop himself from saying something stupid or revealing. Something like, _thank god, because I was afraid you wouldn’t want me again._ Or, _it would have been worse than if you’d died._ He doesn’t say, _I’m a selfish fuck and I don’t deserve you._ He opens his mouth against Magnus’s so he can’t say, _I love you._

~

Things happen quickly from there. They happen too quickly, the flood of memories like a physical assault. They’re all there together-- but they’re _not_ , Taako realizes, the word _“Lup”_ escaping from him on a gust of breath, like he’s been hit in the stomach. Her name, the one he’s been missing for so long, fills him up and plants his feet on the ground (makes his heartbeats _mean_ something). He looks around and his sister is not there, and an old familiar panic that he’d _forgotten_ rises in him. There’s an ache in Taako, one that he’s known for so long and that he can now put a name to, _Lup, Lup,_ it’s _her_ , the absence of his sister, the beats of his heart. Emotions swirl in him, a vile anger rearing its head, and then his eye catches Barry’s and jesus, he looks just as broken, and Taako bites the fury back. He has to, because the memories keep _coming_.

_I forgot, I forgot, we all forgot,_ a canticle of his own story fills him as his mind is flooded. He blinks rapidly and focuses, and is unsurprised to find himself staring at Magnus, Magnus staring back. Taako understands now, kind of, in the back of his mind, why he was so afraid of not being remembered, and maybe it wasn’t ever supposed to be like this, but somehow, goddammit, it _is._

Taako shakes his head, and to Magnus he says, “How the _fuck_ did we do it again--?” Magnus must understand because suddenly he’s clutching Taako, fingers buried in his shirt, would be leaving bruises if they were on his skin. Taako gratefully lets himself be pulled in. 

And Taako has been held many times by Magnus during their unremembering, but this is _different._ The sensation of years of memories combined with the newness and fragility of what they’ve known recently is startling, and warm. It doesn’t begin to relieve the homesickness Taako feels for his sister, but this is still… _something._ It’s not _everything_ , but it’s damn near to it. It’s different, because-- ( _husband?_ Holy fuck, during their 69th cycle they thought it would be a lark to get _married_ , so they fucking _did it--_ ) now there’s baggage, a fuckton more baggage than there was before they remembered, too much for Taako to parse right now, but it’s not bad. It is, in fact, very fucking good. There’s a sudden shock of something that he’d been studiously avoiding but that was apparently a walk in the park for past!Taako (they’re _married_ , what nerds) because he can remember telling Magnus that he loves him, often and loudly and unabashedly. And not only reveling in it when Magnus responds in kind, but-- _believing_ it. 

He is overwhelmed with it now, with that, and with feeling his family so close by, family he’d lost, that he hadn’t even known he’d had. And he’s _angry_ , yes, he’s pissed, because did he deserve to have this taken away from him? To be replaced with blank nothingness, a desolate loneliness that shouldn’t have been? All he knows is that he will fight tooth and nail now, to get Lup back, to hold on to Magnus, to never feel that loneliness again. Maybe he will even be able to forgive Lucretia for that one day. 

(He doesn’t know it yet, but he _will_ forgive her-- Magnus will tell him about Julia, about how he regrets none of it; Lup will speak softly about Lucretia, about how she doesn’t blame her, how dearly she loves her; Merle, who had gotten close to her before remembering, will underpin her intentions; even Barry, who had to remember his loss, even Davenport, who maybe lost the most of all, can forgive her. Taako eventually finds that he can, too.)

He buries his head in Magnus’s chest and closes his eyes. Taako lets his husband hold him, cry into his hair, kiss the top of his head. In that moment, even in his anger and confusion, he feels _loved_ , and he holds on to that, lets that be the thing that overwhelms him for the time being, and he remembers.


End file.
